प्यार क्या होता है? जो आजकल हम देखते हैं या फिर किस्से-कहानियों वाला जन्मों तक साथ निभाने वाला? इसका जवाब शायद कोई नहीं दे सकता है, लेकिन दूसरों के दिल में जगह बनाने वाला प्यार कौन सा होता है, हम सब जानते हैं. आज हम आपको एक ऐसे ही प्यार की सच्ची दास्तां बताने जा रहे हैं, जो ज़िंदा तो कायम रहा ही, लेकिन मौत के बाद भी वो मिसाल बन गई.
We would often travel near our birthdays, born 3 years and 3 days apart. 2013 New York, 2014 Mexico, 2015 Austin, 2016 New Zealand, 2017 to be India. I remember so vividly our side trip from Isla Mujeres to see the ruins in Tulum and the Gran Cenote. We were so very happy, in crystal water and warm sun. When other people were taking pictures of the beauty of nature itself, my camera was so focused on him. I was in wonder of this man, so sure of himself, so comfortable in every setting & so easy to please. How did I snag someone this beautiful? He’s perfect for me. Last night I dreamt he came home from work, carrying packages from the front hallway as he often did. He had a big smile on his face, I thought maybe he was carrying a present for me. I had told him not to get me anything. The sight of him startled me awake, shot me out of slumber. I saw what he was wearing and the way he looked at me, but I didn’t get to hug him. Lying there, mad at myself for not continuing the dream, desperate to look at him again, I remember today is my birthday and it is the first I’ll have to spend without him.
ऐसी ही एक मिसाल है Anjali Pinto और उनके पति का प्यार. नए साल की शाम को जब ये दोनों इसका जश्न अपने घर में मना रहे थे, तभी उनके पति को दिल का दौरा पड़ा और उनकी मौत हो गई. ये हादसा Anjali अंजली के जीवन को हिलाने के लिए काफ़ी था. लेकिन इनके दिल से पति के प्यार को ख़त्म कर पाना किसी हादसे के बस की बात नहीं थी. Anjali ने ख़ुद को संभाला और एक बार फिर अपने पति को याद करने के लिए सोशल मीडिया का सहारा लिया.
I am keeping myself so together, feeling sure of the two feet I stand on when I turn out of bed each morning. Then a song plays and I’m transported, and begin to feel the unraveling. How can everything be okay without him? Last night I found myself swaying, remembering so vividly a moment from our wedding. Everyone was on the dance floor, but the venue needed us out. Music stopped and everyone turned to Michael and chanted “ONE MORE SONG, one more song.” Heart of Gold by Charles Bradley came on, Jacob put his arms firmly around me and we kissed through huge smiles. Trumpets sounded as our feet shuffled. We were the last people to leave, we stopped to thank every person working and assured them that everything was exactly how we had dreamed. We turned back to look at the empty space, in disbelief of how life could be so good to us.
Grief is very much a taboo in our culture. As much as we want to help people that are hurting, we are never taught what to say or do to help. We avoid the conversation all together, or talk about something that makes us more comfortable. People have said to me, meaning to be supportive, remarks that are so upsetting it’s mind boggling. “I know what it’s like to be lonely, well not as lonely as you,” or “I’m so happy for you,” or “If I were you I would just want to go back to my routine,” I have no desire to be critical of people, it brings me no pleasure. I want to be thankful, that I am alive, that I am supported. I want to take what they meant to say instead of what I heard, which is “you’re in my thoughts.” For each of the really dark days I’ve encountered since Jacob died, I have had a mechanism to cope. Friends, traveling, my family, his family, great books, massages, nature. If you have a friend or a loved one going through a loss, do not assume what they are feeling. Do not tell them everything will be okay. Do not tell them what you would have done if you were in their situation. Just listen. Be patient. Be compassionate. Be flexible. Show up. Tell them something that you loved or admired about the person that’s gone. If you never met them, say you wish you had. Acknowledge their loss. Thank you to each and every one of you who has shown up.
उन्होंने अपने पति की काफ़ी सारी तस्वीरें सोशल मीडिया पर शेयर कीं. हर उस पल को उस पोस्ट के साथ लिखा, जिस दौरान इन तस्वीरों को खींचा गया था. Anjali बताती हैं कि ‘मेरे पति मेरे लिए काफ़ी स्पेशल थे. मैनें अपने जीवन के 4 साल से ज़्यादा उनके साथ बिताए, जिसमें 1 साल से ज़्यादा शादी के बाद का पल था. मैनें अपने पति से ज़्यादा ईमानदार और भावुक इंसान नहीं देखा.’
Experiencing the world through grief can at moments feel like a superpower. In a streak of lightening, my environment is electrified and illuminated differently. I look around for the people like me – someone who can hold hours long conversation about the past and its meaning. Everything beautiful has more power, my introspection and analysis are more thorough, my ability to empathize has swelled exponentially. I’m incapable of reading fiction, because my desire for truth is more voracious than ever. If this is what I gain from losing Jacob, I will consider it a gift only he could give me. He had a special ability to love, which he shared with me, but also was rudimentary to how he interacted with the world. Our last conversation, with him holding me in bed, was a profession of admiration. “You never make me feel judged, even when I make mistakes,” I said. “No one has ever loved me that way.” He’s still teaching me to look around with an open heart.
In the days after losing my husband, I remember standing stunned in the kitchen with my father. How will I do it? How can I live on? How can I have a full life without him? How can I do things we used to do together, alone? People tell me all the time ‘you are changed forever,’ and ‘the pain never goes away but it does get easier.’ It’s daunting in those first few weeks to be told over and over that ‘you different now.’ I just wanted to go back, to be myself, to be together. It’s been 23 weeks since I held him. Horrible weeks of longing and self doubt, yet mixed in there has been tremendous beauty. I have done more this year than any year of my life – more self reflection, therapy, travel, spending time with loved ones. This is the work I’m doing to feel better, to get closer to being the person I was on December 30, when our whole life was ahead of us. And finally, I’m starting to love myself again.
अपने प्यार को याद करने के लिए ही उन्होंने पति की सारी यादें हमेशा के लिए संजों ली हैं. ऐसा प्यार कभी ख़त्म नहीं हो सकता. मौत सिर्फ़ शरीर को छीन सकती है, लेकिन प्यार को दिल से कभी नहीं मार सकती.